Copyright by John T. Reed

Youth basketball head coach
If Barack Obama, the former high school basketball bench warmer, were not famous and wanted to coach youth basketball:

League president: So you played hoops?

Obama: Yes, in high school and pickup games.

LP: And what coaching job are you looking for here?

O: Head coach of a team.

LP: Have you coached before?

O: No.

LP: Not even assistant?

O: No.

LP: Did you play in college?

O: No.

LP: Well, Barry,We...

O: It’s Barack.

LP: Buh Rock? What kinda name is that?

O: Kenyan. My father was from Kenya. Do you have a problem with my name?

LP: Nope. Maybe if it was Saddam Hussein or something like that? (laughing)

O: What about Barack Hussein?

LP: You got a good sense of humor. Kids like that.

LP: You don’t discriminate against blacks do you?

LP: For a basketball job? There’s that sense of humor again. No, but we have more guys who want to be head coaches than we have teams. Most of them have head coach or at least assistant coach experience in this league. Do you have any management experience at all in any field?

O: No.

LP: You’re gonna need to pay your dues, wait your turn. Take an assistant job.

O: How long will that take?

LP: Usually first-time head coaches have two or three years experience in this league. Fill out this application.

O: What do you need that for?

LP: We check every new coach out. Gotta make sure you’re not a pedophile, convicted criminal, drug user, stuff like that.

O: Uh, I’ll get back to you.

Army second lieutenant job
If Barack Obama were not famous and wanted to become a second lieutenant—the lowest officer rank—in the Army:

Army: You want to enlist?

O: I want to become an officer.

Army: No problem. They’re always looking for minority officers. You are black aren’t you?

O: Half. My father was African.

Army: Close enough. Did you complete ROTC?

O: No, the colleges I went to did not have it.

Army: Then you have to enlist and apply for Officer Candidate School after basic training.

O: How long does that take?

Army: First, we have to see if we can let you enlist. You have to pass a physical and a background check.

O: A background check?

Army: Yes. We have to make sure you are not a drug user, convicted criminal, terrorist, that kind of stuff.

O: Then what?

Army: Then you go through basic training like any other person in the Army. You have to pass a marksmanship test, pass a physical fitness test, learn military customs, regulations, and basic skills.

O: How long does this take?

Army: Nine weeks.

O: Then I become an officer?

Army: No. No. You still have to pass a written test and get recommended by your basic training superiors.

O: How long is OCS?

Army: 12 weeks

O: Then I’m an officer?

Army: Yes, if you pass the course and pass another background check to make sure you qualify for a “secret” security clearance. They make sure you don’t associate with convicted felons, terrorists, do drugs. Don’t worry if you got caught with some marijuana. They only look for hard drug use.

O: Like what?

Army: Cocaine, heroin.

O: Suppose instead of being the lowest ranking officer in the Army, I want to be the highest?

Army: That would be a four-star general chief of Staff of the Army.

O: What would that take?

Army: About 35 to 40 years of unblemished, highly-rated, active-duty service.

O: How about if I want to be Commander in Chief of the entire United States military? Would I need to pass this background check and get a secret clearance?

Army: If you get 270 electoral votes, you automatically have the highest security clearance in the world. You are the only one who can see “Eyes Only POTUS” documents. You’re cleared for “secret,” “top secret,” “destroy before reading,” you name it—everything. You’ll know more secrets than anyone else in the world—literally.

O: POTUS?

Army: President of the United States.

O: And they do no background check about felons and terrorists?

Army: Correct. They only do that check if you want to be on active duty. To be Commander in Chief of the entire U.S. military, there is no background check whatsoever.

O: Do I have to pass a physical to be President of the United States?

Army: Nah. There’s some old guy who couldn’t pass a physical to be night manager at McDonald’s running for president right now.

O: Is there a nine or twelve-week training program to be Commander in Chief?

Army: Nope. No training at all. You don’t even need to read a brochure.

O: No tests to pass?

Army: None.

O: Do I need any military experience?

Army: Nope. Almost all past presidents did have some military experience but Clinton was a draft dodger and he had two full terms.

O: So how do I get to be Commander in Chief?

Army: Just go around the country making speeches in which you use these three words as many times as possible.

O: “Hope. Change. Future?”

Army: You got it!

Night manager at McDonalds
If Barack Obama were not famous and wanted to be the night manager at your local McDonalds:

Owner: Do you have any experience in the food-service industry?

O: I buy arugula and other trendy fruits and vegetables at Whole Foods.

Owner: Getting rid of trans fats is about as trendy as we get. Can you go slumming and chop our iceberg lettuce?

O: Well, I want to be the manager. I wasn’t planning on actually touching any food. I’m an Ivy Leaguer.

Owner: Do you have experience managing people?

O: I was a community organizer?

Owner: Like Al Sharpton?

O: Yes.

Owner: I don’t see how that would relate to managing our store. Did you ever work for a company of any sort that was trying to make a profit?

O: A law firm.

Owner: What kind of law?

O: Black voting civil rights cases.

Owner: Did your firm make a profit from the fees paid by your clients?

O: No. We got contributions.

Owner: What race do you consider yourself to be?

O: Black.

Owner: Can you relate to white people?

O: My grandmother was a typical white person.

Owner: I don’t think whites would care for that sort of stereotype phraseology. I think we would have to keep you in the back. At the cash register, you would have to relate to “typical white persons” and they would sense that patronizing attitude. We can’t make you a manager until we get to know you because of your lack of experience at either managing people or even working in a for-profit organization. You can either get over your aversion to touching food and start in the kitchen or you can be the most important non-manager on our staff.

O: That sounds good. What would that involve?

Owner: Keeping the floors, tables, and bathrooms as pristine as ANWAR. Here, fill out this background-check form. You haven’t used drugs or been convicted of a crime or anything have you?

President of the United States
Suppose that the most important job in the world—President of the United States—were awarded like almost all other important jobs: by an executive search committee. They would post the help-wanted ad nationwide and receive resumes and cover letters. Here is how I expect they would respond to Barack Obama’s application.

Dear Senator Obama,

Thank you for applying for the job of President of the United States of America for the period January 20, 2009 to January 20, 2013. As you know, this is the most important and most difficult job in the world and we have received many applications.

As you may recall, our ad specified that the job entails:

• global military strategy and execution of military operations on behalf of the nation, NATO, the U.N. at times, and the Free World
• global diplomacy with the other 194 nations of Planet Earth
• energy policy for the nation
• economic policy for the nation
• enforcement of the Constitution of the U.S. and all other federal laws
• supervision of the millions of persons who are employed by the federal government in both civilian and military positions
• recruiting and obtaining Senate approval of federal judges
• approving or vetoing new federal legislation

We were impressed to note that you obtained a law degree from Harvard and that you taught one course in Constitutional law at a university in Chicago. While there have been three law school graduates to take the position of President in the past 80 years, two of them were impeached and the other only achieved the position as a result of one of the impeachments. So at present, we are not considering law school graduate applicants for this position.

Furthermore, we were unable to find any indication in your resume or cover letter than you have any training or experience in any of the following:

• military
• international relations
• energy production or conservation
• economic or business matters
• practice of criminal law or any laws other than state and federal voting rights laws
• supervision of other human beings
• recruiting judicial personnel

In view of the fact that the holder of this job will have the fate of 300,000,000 Americans directly in his hands and the fate of the rest of the world, indirectly to a large extent, we simply cannot consider you for the position of President or any position appointed by the President.

We suggest you apply for an entry-level federal government position that requires a college education or a position where a law degree is the, or one of several, prerequisites like FBI special agent. At present, however, it would appear that you are not qualified for any position higher than GS-10. These positions have a starting pay of $43,824 plus you may be eligible for additional amounts if you work in a metropolitan area with a high cost of living.

Good luck in your quest for non-elective federal employment,

Presidential Search Committee

Note from the author of this Web page: My first job was paper boy. Since Obama’s so-called jobs were really just paid campaigning, his first real job would be President of the United States of America.

John T. Reed